Test #201: Bacon and BACON SALT SUNFLOWER SEEDS

The subject
One of our absolute things from the 2009 All Candy Expo (which had a big bunch of savory snacks, along with the sweets) were Bigs Sunflower Seeds--they come in crazy flavors like Frank's Red Hot (in our opinion, the best major-label hot sauce out there), Vlassic dill pickle, and the pinnacle of awesome tastes, Bacon Salt. We've never been the hugest fans of sunflower seeds, but when they taste like bacon, they're irresistible. We received a package of samples today from the company, and as a thank-you to the fine people at Bigs, we thought we'd give their fine product a big bacon salute.

The results
Awesome--the already bacontastic flavor of the sunflower seeds was amplified about 10 times by bacon wrapping. To return the favor, the shells added crunch to the crispy bacon. The texture might be a bit much for those that prefer to split and discard the shells before eating the seeds in the middle--we're the whole-nine-yards kind when it comes to sunflower seeds--but we think the texture was spot on.

The conclusion: Bacon + Bacon Salt sunflower seeds = a home run

Test #200: Bacon and GRAHAM CRACKER

The subject
Yes, we know the subject of this picture isn't a graham cracker--it's the late, great Monty Python trouper Graham Chapman, best known as King Arthur in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Unfortunately, graham crackers, delicious though they may be, aren't very photogenic. We're a big fan of both Mr. Chapman and his namesake snack, so we decided to try the bacon treatment. On the cracker, not the Chapman--he'd probably taste funny.

The results
Fabulous--we expected the cracker to completely fall apart (ever try dunking a graham cracker in hot cocoa? A disaster). It did get quite soggalicious, but it maintained its square shape, and grahammy flavor, mixed in with the seeped-in savory bacon taste. Consensus among the baconeers in attendance is that this test is well worth repeating--we'd recommend wrapping the lucky cracker up with a marshmallow and a square of your favorite chocolate for a s'more that'd put the Girl-Scouts-round-the-campfire version to shame.

The conclusion: Bacon + graham cracker = something completely different

We interrupt your regularly scheduled bacon broadcast...

...to bring you this picture of Mad Men star Christina Hendricks. If bacon were to spring to life and take human form, it might look a great deal like this salty, savory lass. We don't care where this photograph was taken (though we thank What Would Tyler Durden Do? for sharing them), who made her dress, or what kind of flower that is that's pinned to her frock. We just know that the scenes in which her character, Sterling Cooper office manager Joan, walks out of a room make the show worth watching, and life worth living. Plus, we're pretty sure she could bring about world peace with her boobs.

Test #199: Bacon and KOOL-AID POWDER

The subject
Our procurement department's on probation. The staff charged with buying items for us to wrap left with our weekly allotment for things to wrap bacon around. Everything they came back with, we'd already tested. Except, that is, a canister of Kool-Aid drink mix--they proclaimed they were thirsty and seemed proud that they'd been thrifty enough to acquire the powder, rather than buy a case of soda or such. Whatever--since it's all we have to work with this morning, we're testing it. We sprinkled the powder on the bacon, and baked it. Here goes nothing...

The results
Fruity bacon. That's about it. Since we went with fruit punch, the strips turned out looking like bacon found on a gruesome crime scene. Not very appetizing. And while the punchy pork strips didn't taste all that bad, the consistency needed a bit more oomph or crunch or something. If hankering for fruity bacon, we'd definitely go back to sprinkling the strips with crushed Jolly Ranchers in the last few minutes of baking, as we did in an earlier test.

The conclusion: Bacon + Kool-Aid powder = Oh, no!

Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival

It kills us that we can't go to this, but maybe you, our fellow baconeers, can attend. The annual Blue Ribbon Bacon Festival is landing in Des Moines, Iowa, on Saturday, February 27th. There will be live music, there will be parades, there will be seminars--and oh, yes, THERE WILL BE BACON. So far, organizers have secured more than half a ton of bacon. HALF A TON. According to the people behind the festival, they estimate that by the time the curtain goes up on this meaty show, they'll have about 1.5 lbs. of bacon for every man, woman, and child that strolls through the pork-scented air of the event. Tickets go on sale Feb. 4; click on the pig at left for more info.

Deadly Bacon

The Travel Channel's Ghost Stories is a guilty pleasure of ours--it shares earnest eyewitness accounts of troubled souls haunting various locales, interspersed with melodramatic narration so over the top in its ominous tone it makes Boris Karloff sound like Mister Rogers. Today's episode covers the Villisca axe murders of 1912, in which an Iowa hacked up by an unknown "demon" one fateful night has decided to haunt the modest home for all eternity. If we were ghosts, we'd ditch the house and find a four-star hotel to spookify, but that's just us.

Anyway, you're probably wondering why this is showing up on a blog about bacon. This passage from the Villisca Axe Murders historical Web site tells why (warning: it's a little unsavory):

The Bacon Slab

According to the reports given during the inquest, a slab of bacon was found on the floor near the axe in the downstairs bedroom.

Reports indicate the size of the slab as being between 2 and 4 pounds, Although many believed that it had been cut off a similar slab found in the icebox, no one atually thought to make the two pieces up to confirm the theory.

Although many believed that the murderer used the bacon in an attempt to confuse the bloodhounds, the opposite would have actually been true.

If the killer rubbed the bacon on himself, he would have actually been easier, not harder for the dogs to track.

Another possible theory that seems a little more plausible is that the killer may have used the bacon as a masturbatory aid.

The position of Lena's body and the absence of any undergarments made many believe that the killer had positioned her after her death and using the bacon grease as a lubricant, had performed some type of sexual act.

According to the coroner's report, however, no actual rape had occurred.

Blast from the Past: Hover Bacon

YouTube clips come and YouTube clips go, but there are some that never fail to make us smile, even though we've seen them about a zillion times. One is Alanis Morissette's cover of the Black Eyed Peas' "My Humps. Another: Rather Good's "Hover Bacon" clip--although we fully acknowledge that while the vid makes us giggle, it's weird enough to make most others cower in fear. We'll let you decide for yourself.